Tuesday, March 17, 2009

What I realized...

For a long time I thought everyone contemplated and analyzed everything as much as I did. The more and more new people that I am around I realize that is not the case. And that I am not sane at all. I worry. I have anxiety about my life, attitudes, morals, art and education (to mention just a few). I become tunnel visioned on certain issues as silly as what camera to bring on my trip to whether or not I should kiss someone. Other more important issues concerning my educational institution, major, faith, what I can contribute to photography and what photography is contributing to this world. After analyzing whether or not I should do something I then break down what the repercussions of this action will be. It stems off like a family tree into every situation I could fall into.

Dealing with my work I just think about it all day long. Everyday. It's exhausting and don't be fooled into thinking it is so good to be like this. I obsess about it. I beat it into the ground. I've started finding that living comes first and inspiration comes right behind that. I would say my ideas out number my projects that get off the ground by at least twenty fold. No, more than that. I have 1-15 ideas a day. I can't seem to not think about things. Every action has to be analyzed.

Everyday I worry about my education. Everyday I think about changing my major. Everyday I think about shooting my 4x5 but then think about how I can't stand to do what I've already done. Everyday I think about situations with girls and then follow that up with a big ol' fuck you because that's the last thing I need on my shoulders if I can barely take care of myself. When did I become the slightest bit dependent upon social interaction and a significant other? I'm glad I've confronted that issue a bit since I moved here.

I cannot stand to be like anyone else. If I am doing something that "other people do" I either am really into it or have carved my own "special" opinion/niche out of that particular sphere/world. Call that what it is. I live in Pilsen because I love that people are scared of it and would rather live in Wicker Park or Lincoln Park. I embrace my differences. But trust me. There are problems. Wanna know one? I don't listen to Pink Floyd because I never felt like I could honestly appreciate it as much as it deserved. I always thought about those kids wearing the Pink Floyd shirts from Target and stayed way clear. The same goes for Bob Dylan. Kerouac. Etc. What happens is I usually stay way clear of "trends" and "fads" and this inflation of popularity and catch on months to a year later and realize I really missed out. It happens a ton with music. And it happens less in things I really have a handle around like photography or skateboarding. I guess I really don't like to dabble in things I don't have a huge grasp of. The exception? If I really care about something. Like bookmaking. I mean, that makes sense. If you care about something you will be successful at it. I've never dealt with things I'm not good at. Once again, call that what it is. I'm laying it all out here.


Nyquil is calling.



Andrew Snyder said...

"For a long time I thought everyone contemplated and analyzed everything as much as I did."

Word man. That's what partially makes me feel like an elitist asshole assuming people can just go idly and passively through life without mentally exploring everything.

erin jane nelson said...

i want to argue with you about this but in real time.

Anonymous said...

you're not as alone as you may think