Sunday, October 19, 2008

I am sick.

I have been doing some serious prayer and thought about Chicago post-car wreck. My car was declared totaled. This sets me back $1800. I have $200 in my savings account two months before my intended move to Chicago. I have been working 30-35 hours a week with 14 hours of school. It's certainly not the end of the world. If it felt right I would figure out how to get there in January. But that's the thing, it doesn't feel right. Typically, I am presented with a huge amount of obstacles when trying to achieve something. I think they are set there to really make sure I appreciate it once I achieve it. Plus, my personality is that "rise to the occasion" type so I really do my best work in the most stressed situations.

However, I am not sure if these are obstacles or intended to be obstructions. Obstructions telling me January is not it.

I have run a couple scenerios through my head but really all I can do is sit back. I've left it off my shoulders. I will finish my application and see what doors are opened and closed from there.

I am quite overwhelmed and really wish I could enter back into the student safe haven of school.

Is school the answer? Unfortunately, without entering school in the spring semester I am instantly hit with no health insurance and a student loan I will have to start paying off from my freshman year. It really sets me between a rock and a hard place. It's terrible.

I have a huge flaw. That flaw is setting some sort of bar and not achieving it. I.E. I have set a bar to get to Chicago in January. Now the idea of not getting there in the allotted time frame is sickening. It's super prideful and it's disgusting. I think that I need to immediately get over that pride and really just listen to what I need to be doing. I worry about people I've told about Chicago because now they will see I didn't meet my goal. But really, do they care? No.

I was just about to type out some scenarios but really I am not going to amp anything up. I am going to sit back and watch for the doors to open and close and follow them. It's all I can do.


dr.brown said...

bummer to hear man.

hope all goes well soon.

daniel shea said...

sorry to hear about all this shit man. it really sucks.

BUT, i would stop worrying about your pride, what others may think of your ability to accomplish goals, because none of that really matters.

if you want to be in chicago in january just do it. if you don't feel you are ready, don't. sometimes it can actually be beneficial to strip your life of inflated importance, and look at the big picture.

good luck man, and again, sorry about your car.

Crondon said...

good luck pete. your in my prayers.

Bonnie said...

I think your awesome no matter what happens. good luck deciding.

kohlton said...

ah, damn sir. I'm sad to hear this.

Listen to daniel.

I care man, and I hope things start shaping up for you.

aprill miller said...

okay so, i see that your car situation is better than previously thought, but something recently happened to my sister where she thought she was starting school in the spring and it was the only thing she was looking forward to when a huge obstruction was put in front of her and now she has to wait til fall.

needless to say she was devestated, but what i said to her completely applies to you as well....what is a few months in your life? right now it seems terrible, but in the fall when you look back on everything...especially a year or two from now, those few months aren't going to mean anything b/c they aren't going to hold you back from accomplishing your goals, it just puts them off for a few months.